11 Misc thoughts

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11 Misc thoughts

Post by Hard Knocks on Sun Jul 21, 2013 4:25 pm

A few things have been on my mind the past couple of days, mostly due to having nothing to do aside from sit and think. Plus a few things about my hypno that has me concerned, some hopes for it, and other junk.

Firs thing on the list is a tulpa, yes again. I'm starting to debate in my head again on whether or not I should try to make a tulpa, and I'm starting to think I will but give it alot of freedom/choice. My main concern about creating a tulpa was that I wouldn't be able to keep it happy, the secondary concern was it would get some of my repressed negativity which would cause some nasty stuff for the poor thing. After reading a bit more about wonderlands I'm starting to think that if I can't always be occupied with it, the least I can do is give it a nice place to stay which won't be too much of an issue for me since I tend to be good at making environments in my head. On the thought of freedom for it, I don't want to make one in a form I like, I'd rather it be happy with itself then make it appeal to me.

Next on the list is some effects of hypnosis that I want to write down. My feelings both physically and emotionally have been alot more sensitive to just about everything. The most annoying thing is the little scratches I get from my cats when they want attention, which I thought could just stay ignored but in the last few days even the ones that have healed over a bit are hurting alot more. Passively it isn't much more then a bit of a sting when I bump a fresh cut, but immediately after a session when I get up it feels like someone tried to rub lemons on them to the point it is painful for me to stand up and move my arms (The cat's favorite scratching posts). Emotionally, I'm getting hit harder. I'm not used to emotional pains because I've gotten so used to just pushing them down and ignoring them but now there is alot coming back up which is making want to hide away in my room for a while. For example my few friends all tend to make petty insults about me, they don't mean any I'm sure, but whenever they do I feel a bit of a twinge emotionally. Family on the other hand is starting to hurt alot more, I think just because I don't expect them to since they willingly adopted me, their little remarks about me are really starting to leave a mark on me. It is getting hard to stay the same as normal, a blank face or a 'Hah good one' to everything.

Some repressed problems are coming up too. I don't like to say I think about my early life too often but I do. Alot. And today after I came back from the wedding party and a short while after my last post everything just broke down. My step dad wanted to make a joke about how I'm adopted which immediately made me start to cry so I had to make a mad dash for my room so nobody would really worry about me. After I got in there I just broke, it felt like every little problem from back then just came back to me and gave me a delayed reaction to them. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I had actually cried when alot of the bad happened to me, but instead I sucked it up and just ignored it for all these years, but now it came back and put me to tears. I felt terrible, I felt like I wasn't good enough for my biological dad, like I failed because I couldn't help my biological mom, I couldn't convince my parents to adopt my foster sister, and finally feeling like my step dad really hates me. And thats just a short list I was locked up for about an hour or so just crying in my room hoping nobody would come in and see me.

And on a more cheery note, I'm still actually pretty happy about my progression. My attitude has definitely changed to be more neutral compared to my old heavily split mindsets. This is good for me because that is the entire reason I started, just to help myself stop being such a divided person. Aside from the sensitivity I'm not really upset about any of the changes I've had with this and I'm very glad to be having them. I'm alot nicer to people if only a bit quieter, such as instead of mumbling 'Yeah it is fine' I say from instinct 'Yes, I'm having a nice time' or something along those lines. Around my friends while they have been questioning why I've suddenly gone so quiet as opposed to my old 'I will rip out the spines of my enemies and make them into a fancy wind chime' mindset. Yes I am mildly disturbed. But really I think the good out weighs the bad and I'm very happy about everything, and my plans now are to just see how far this can go. I'm already used to alot of shyness and anxiety so I suppose it wouldn't change much about me, if anything it might make me a bit happier about the smaller things.

Felt good to let it out,
   King Vi

P.S. Is it normal that I've had the urge to type in standard pony grammar (Anypony, on the other hoof, etc.)? And if I start doing that I might consider a slight name change, maybe Flutter Vi or something along those lines.
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Re: 11 Misc thoughts

Post by Twilight[Tay] on Sun Jul 21, 2013 5:02 pm

I recognise so much Fluttershy in that post. You really did let it all out, and I'm glad you did. Yes, pony-grammar use is often an effect of the files, and I almost said everypony at the dinner table with the rest of my family tonight. That would have been... strange. *Hugs Vi*

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Re: 11 Misc thoughts

Post by Aurora Light on Sun Jul 21, 2013 5:31 pm

I can definitely relate to the feeling of taking a step back before moving forward. But honesty to yourself is important, because without being honest about the problems that are bothering you, you cannot do anything about them. Just know two things. First, that you've got support here on the forums & IRC. And two, that no matter what changes may come to pass, you're still you.
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