54 I'm a monster

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54 I'm a monster

Post by Hard Knocks on Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:15 pm

Bleh this week hasn't been too good. Atleast I made some progress in hypno.

Hypno stuff

I'm starting to become emotionally sensitive now, or atleast as far as my reactions go. Sad pictures or comics are hitting alot harder then 'Aw that so sad', seeing people who are sad or upset have been making me feel really bad, worse when I can't help which is most of the time, and I heavily react when people in school say things about me. Even when it is 'Good' like when someone called be a badass because I had to defend myself, I almost felt sick after hearing it. Just to think that is what people love so much, to see others get beaten, hurt, or severely injured. It is sad, I can't get it off my mind either, just that thought has been in the back of my head almost all week.
And my English teacher made a remark to me aswell, a intended negative one, and it kind of broke me for a while. I teared up fast and couldn't find it in me to argue I didn't want to do what I did that made her think that of me. I deserve it though, it was overkill on my part and I'm not even sure if the guy is ok. This will probably be better explained in misc.

Tulpa stuff

Just normal stuff, Gypsy and Posh have been enjoying the co-op gaming while they take over my arms, Mister is still lurking around, and I managed to draw something close to their cutie marks a couple  days ago. Sadly I had to leave my sketchbook so I can't show them yet.

Misc stuff

Lots of crap here so lets separate it by day
Monday
Emotionally unstable and almost had two anxiety/panic attacks, but I helped a friend so it wasn't all bad
Tuesday
Here is the big one. The bully in my English class went too far and punched me twice. First in my gut to try to get me to fight back, to which I responded 'Please stop' in a accidental flutter voice, and the crowd was split between the freshmen and everyone else. Freshmen screaming 'F*** him up Mark!' and the others typically saying 'Don't do it man, Victor is insane' so yeah. Now I know the entire school thinks I'm a mad man. After being egged on and angry I wasn't fighting back he punched me in my infected eye which hurt about as much as breaking your arm and setting the bone on fire, so I was kind of mad. And then I lost it, just for a minute I let the old Viking me take over and take care of the poor guy. Three missing teeth, cracked jaw, two cracked ribs, and a broken arm on him, on me just a sore eye so I hate myself for doing that. I haven't seen him all week so I'm worried, I know what I did to him and I know he can recover but still I hope I didn't do any mental damage. Plus I'm scared to apologize, thinking being that it will make me seem like the bad guy despite him hitting me in the eye with a bandage over it, which may have permanently blinded my eye I don't know yet.
Wednesday
Felt sick all day, I was worried about that Mark guy. People gave me alot of stares and remarks so I was anxious aswell. English teacher had to make me feel worse about what I did, and I scared some girl when I was wondering the halls to go the bathroom.
Thursday
Stayed home, I was sick and sleep deprived.
Friday
Still haven't seen the guy, but his sister told me what the damage was and he wasn't going to be in school for a while.

Edits
Saturday
Oh boy I still have alot of a bad side. Specifically around people who keep themselves into a display of depression for a long period of time. As of now it feels like I'm having an anxiety attack from being mean to a certain person and also still slightly mad. Wonderful.

I need to control my strength,
   Flutter Vi, Posh, and Gypsy


Last edited by Flutter Vi on Sat Sep 14, 2013 11:23 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Star Shard on Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:28 pm

Perhaps you should concider studying eastern martial arts sport. 
Those are good at learning control and non damaging defense moves.

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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Hard Knocks on Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:40 pm

I've tried to before, but I'm too bulky for it really. I'm built like a tank so I'm not terribly good at those kinds of self defense.
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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Guest on Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:03 pm

*reads in shock...* Och, dear Celestia... this world is so harsh sometimes....

*hugs*

I'm so sorry to hear that some bully tried to goad you into fighting him... and that he succeeded.

I don't understand this part of this world one bit... so I can't offer any advice at all... but I can offer my heartfelt hopes that your eye does recover its full use... that you will find a way to no longer attract those wanting to "prove themselves by fighting you"... and that the bully who got his comeuppance heals both physically and mentally so that he no longer feels the need to be neither aggressor nor victim.

My heart goes out to you, though, Vi... it really does. The things that happen in schools nowadays... *shudder*

I just hope that you are able to find the space you seek to incorporate the gentleness and compassion of Fluttershy into your life here, and to have others respect and cherish you for both your strength and your kindness.

-Twilight

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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Capt on Fri Sep 13, 2013 6:01 pm

*Hugs~*

I'm sorry Sweetie. I wish I could do something for you.

I have a friend waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay into Martial Arts. He's been taking TKD since he was a little kid, and hit the different belts and certifications as soon as he met the age requirements. If you wanted to PM me information about your physicality I can ask him to recommend something for when you're well enough.
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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Star Shard on Fri Sep 13, 2013 6:26 pm

This is the culture that has invented summo wrestling, i would be impressed if there isnt anything.

I hope your eye is ok through. What you did to him is nothing compared to losing an eye.

Hugs.

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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Fleetfoot on Fri Sep 13, 2013 8:56 pm

I'm so sorry Sad This is completely horrific.

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Re: 54 I'm a monster

Post by Bright Star on Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:55 pm

Fluttershy, what that bully did to you sounds horrible, especially with all those others around. I'm glad you're okay. With myself having a few slip-ups of my previous unwanted behavior, I can totally see where you're coming from. Hopefully that freshman learned his lesson to not pick on others.

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Re: 54 I'm a monster

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